The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words Read online

  Alexis Munier

  Copyright © 2009 by Alexis Munier.

  All rights reserved.

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  Published by

  Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

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  www.adamsmedia.com

  ISBN 10: 1-60550-652-4

  ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-652-4

  eISBN: 978-1-44051-357-2

  Printed in the United States of America.

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  To Greg, Mikey, and Toby,

  the filthiest f**king guys I know.

  —ALEXIS MUNIER

  Contents

  Introduction

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  1, 2, 3 . . .

  A

  B

  C

  D

  E

  F

  G

  H

  I

  J

  K

  L

  M

  N

  O

  P

  Q

  R

  S

  T

  U

  V

  W

  X

  Y

  Z

  Introduction

  Ah English—if there is anything close to a perfect language for cursing, swearing and insulting, you’ve found it. English is not only spoken in one variant or another in the UK, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, United States, and the Caribbean, but it’s also the mother tongue of more than a third of a billion mofos worldwide. Fortunately, English has borrowed from many languages over the years, making it the world’s richest—and raunchiest—language, ripe with delectable dirty words. Unfortunately, unless you can really shoot the shit, you have some serious catching up to do.

  You may think you’re all that, but there’s more to putting someone in their place than calling them shitface. Is he just not that into you when he calls you a minger? When that biddy says she’s chuffed, should you unzip your fly or slam the door in her face? If your lover begs for a chili dog, do you stock up on beans or wet wipes?

  No fear: The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words is here to give you a deliciously filthy introduction into the netherworlds (and nether regions) of true American, British, Australian, and other sorts of forbidden English. Be it cocksucking in Cleveland or leathered in London, this hysterical collection of dirty slang, idioms, and colloquialisms will have you begging for it. So call dibs on that seat, get plastered, and channel your inner potty-mouth with the sidesplitting linguistic journey that is The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  A heartfelt thank you to contributors Matt Glazer, Jason Niemann, Gregory Bergman, Michael Paul Lee, T.S. Winn, Chris Robson, and Katherine Clinton Robson for their excellent work. Thanks as well to Mom, Emmanuel Tichelli, Georgina Bingham, Toby and Karen Ernberg, Yoann Unghy, Coralee Elder, Louis Da Drama, Bondy, Si, Jimmy, Alec, Big Gay, the Robsons, the Andersons, Derek Hambly, and David George, who all took the time to get down and dirty for this book.

  —ALEXIS MUNIER

  1, 2, 3 . . .

  1 + 1 = 3, n.

  the sex act as procreation; American

  The unconventional equation, 1 + 1 = 3, reminds us that what takes two can produce a third—a baby.

  3-way, n.

  a sexual threesome, usually (but not always) two women and a man; American

  The images of a 3-way with the tall twins from Texas haunted his dreams for weeks.

  Top Five Male Sex Fantasies

  1. Sex with two women at the same time

  2. Sex with two women at the same time

  3. Sex with two women at the same time

  4. Sex with a famous celebrity

  5. Oral sex (getting it, that is)

  4-way, n.

  sex that involves four people, usually (but not always) two men and two women; American

  Think of a 4-way as a sort of Sexual Twister game in which you play for orgasms, rather than points.

  69, n.

  sex position in which partners give each other oral sex at the same time; American

  The sex position 69 is the ultimate tit for tat accommodation.

  THE LOVELIEST NUMBER

  Called The Crow in the Kama Sutra, 69 is a nestling of bodies that allows lovers to perform oral sex on one another simultaneously—a pretty picture that has been immortalized in countless images over the ages. One such notorious engraving allegedly created by the acclaimed Belgian painter Felician Rops in 1865 appeared in Le Diable au Corps—and was promptly banned in France. Imagine what they would have thought in Boston!

  A

  academic bulimia, n.

  academic bulimia, the act of studying or remembering facts really quickly without learning the meaning, so this knowledge can be regurgitated on a exam or test, but not retained after that exam or test; American

  I used academic bulimia to get by in college, so I could concentrate on the true meaning of college: sex, drugs, and awful mistakes.

  aggro, n.

  aggravation, trouble; British

  The missus gave me some aggro after I said her sister was looking sexy.

  My wife gave me some trouble after I said her sister was looking sexy.

  agnosexual, n.

  bisexual; American

  Somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual, the agnosexual is hitting on everyone.

  a-hole, n.

  slang term for asshole; American

  I called him an a-hole instead of an asshole, because my mother raised me to be polite.

  aled up, adj.

  drunk; British

  Robert was so aled up, he puked up in his mum’s fake fire.

  Robert was so drunk, he threw up in his mom’s fake fireplace.

  alkie, n.

  a wino; British

  She’s such a closet alkie. She drinks wine for breakfast.

  She’s such a closet wino. She has wine with her Cheerios.

  anal sex, n.

  copulation in which one partner thrusts his penis in his partner’s anus; American

  Anal sex is not an effective form of birth control, no matter what your boyfriend may tell you.

  angry dragon, n.

  one who has been punched in the nose with a mouth full of sperm; American

  When klutzy Kevin came in her mouth, he smacked her in the face, and she shot sperm out her nose. One angry dragon, she kicke
d that man out of her bed.

  arse, n.

  ass; British

  Candice only let her boyfriend fuck her in the arse when he was nice to her parents.

  Candice only let her boyfriend fuck her in the ass when he was nice to her parents.

  DERIVATION: Arse comes from the Old English aers, meaning tail, derived from the Proto-Germanic root arsoz for anus.

  Yes, I’ve heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if he were here, he’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes,

  and bolts of lightning from his arse!

  —Braveheart

  arse-bandit, adj.

  homosexual; British

  Sebastien is not an arse-bandit. He’s just into arsefucking.

  Sebastien is not a homosexual. He’s just into assfucking.

  arseface, n.

  ugly person, dogface; British

  Hey, arseface, move your bloody arse.

  Hey, dogface, move your fucking ass.

  Asiaphile, n.

  a person with a sexual predilection toward Asian women or men; American

  All of those middle-aged American tourists who haunt the streets of Singapore day and night are complete Asiaphiles.

  ass, n.

  beast of burden; buttocks; moron; American

  Tom wanted to fuck his girlfriend in the ass and she said, “You are aware my shit comes out of there,” but he really, really didn’t care about that.

  DERIVATION: Ass comes from the Old English assa, meaning donkey.

  Top Ten Most Beautiful Asses in Hollywood

  1. Jennifer Lopez

  2. Denzel Washington

  3. Beyonce

  4. Russell Crowe

  5. Jessica Biel

  6. Brad Pitt

  7. Fergie

  8. Usher

  9. Cameron Diaz

  10. Antonio Banderas

  ass-to-ass, n.

  the act of a large double-dildo being inserted into the asses of two girls, with the dildo penetrating the girls until they are “ass-to-ass”; American

  After that huge orgy last night, I woke up to find that the excitement hadn’t stopped and two girls were going ass-to-ass in the living room.

  ATM, n.

  ass-to-mouth; the act of inserting one’s penis in a sex partner’s ass then sticking it in his or her mouth; American

  She told me she wanted to taste her own asshole so I gave her ATM right away.

  attention whore, n.

  someone, usually female, that craves attention at any and all costs; American

  His wife is such an attention whore—if she can’t be the center of attention, she will ruin everyone’s night.

  auxter, n.

  armpit; Irish, Scottish

  Hey mate, put on some deodorant. Your auxters smell like shite.

  Hey dude, put on some deodorant. Your armpits smell like shit.

  B

  baboon, n.

  fool; American

  I would never date his best friend because he’s a baboon.

  The house of Godric Gryffindor has commanded the respect of the wizard world for nearly ten centuries, I will not have you in the course of a single evening besmirching that name by behaving like a babbling, bumbling

  band of baboons.

  —Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

  bad egg, n.

  corrupt, untrustworthy person; American

  Billy’s brother is a bad egg—he probably would sell out his own mother if he could.

  Bad bird, bad egg.

  —German proverb

  bagsie, v.

  to call dibs; British

  As usual, Tom bagsied on that hot lady before I had even seen her.

  As usual, Tom called dibbs on that biddy before I had even seen her.

  bahookie, n.

  bottom; British

  Oi, I wouldn’t mind that fit bird’s bahookie in my face at this very moment.

  Hey, I wouldn’t mind that girl’s ass in my face at this very moment.

  That was just a warning. Try it again, I’ll be kicking your furry, brown bahookie!

  —Open Season

  balloon knot, n.

  anus; British

  When she spread my bum cheeks and started licking my balloon knot, I almost shot my wad.

  When she spread my butt cheeks and started licking my asshole, I almost shot my wad.

  banana split, n.

  shit; British

  Let’s wait before ordering a pudding; I right now have got to run to the toilet for a banana split.

  Let’s wait before ordering dessert; I right now have got to run to the bathroom to take a shit.

  bang, v.

  to have sex with; American

  I just wanted to bang her, but she wanted a relationship. So after we fucked, I asked her to marry me. She turned me down flat.

  DERIVATION: The word bang comes from the Old Norse banga, meaning to hammer.

  barmy, adj.

  crazy; British

  Your old lady’s a bit barmy, ain’t she?

  Your girlfriend’s a little crazy, isn’t she?

  barse, n.

  perineum; area from balls to ass; British

  I got my barse pierced last weekend. It was a good thing I was fucking hammered at the time.

  I got my perineum pierced last weekend. It was a good thing I was fucking hammered at the time.

  bash the bishop, v.

  to jerk off; British

  John was bashing the bishop when his grandmother called, and continued jerking off after the call.

  John was jerking off when his grandmother called, and continued jerking off after the call.

  bastard, n.

  the literal meaning is a person who is born of parents who aren’t married; derogatory term for someone you don’t like; American

  Even if the bastard didn’t sleep with my wife, he’s still a bastard because, what, is my wife not good enough?

  You want to know who you are? Huh? Huh? You don’t, I do, everyone does . . .

  you’re the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you.

  —The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

  bat for both sides, adj.

  to be bisexual; American

  Winona bats for both sides, so Mitch really shouldn’t even try hitting on her. He’d lose out to all that competition from both sexes.

  He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.

  —Yogi Berra

  bat for the other side, adj.

  to be gay; American

  Don’t get your hopes up, Alison, he bats for the other side.

  batch, n.

  single, bachelor; British

  I’m on the pull tonight. Is your fit cousin Eric a batch?

  I’m looking to score tonight. Is your hot cousin Eric a bachelor?

  battered, adj.

  destroyed; British

  Simon must’ve necked lots of E last night. He looks battered.

  Simon must’ve dropped lots of E last night. He looks destroyed.

  bear paw, v.

  to scratch oneself while reaching into pants; American

  The other day, Paul and I were in a restaurant, and he actually bear pawed his nuts in front of everyone.

  bearded clam, n.

  an unkempt, hairy, and generally unattractive vagina; American

  When Beth gets bikini ready for Rio, she trims her bearded clam.

  beastly, adj.

  nasty; American

  Jim woke up with a hangover and a beastly woman sleeping next to him. He vowed never to drink tequila again.

  beat the meat, v.

  to jerk off; British

  I like to beat the meat in the morning after a good night’s sleep.

  I like to masturbate in the morning after a good night’s sleep.

  beaver, n.

  pussy; American

  Her beaver was a forest in which I longed to lose myself.

  Nice beaver!

&
nbsp; —The Naked Gun

  bee stings, n.

  small breasts; British

  The French prefer bee stings to corking milkers.

  The French prefer small breasts to huge titties.

  beef curtains, n.

  a vagina whose outer labia is constantly swollen and engorged from copious amounts of intercourse; American

  On that first weekend together, we had so much sex that my girlfriend’s beef curtains were big enough to hide behind by the time Monday rolled around.

  bell end, n.

  dick head; British

  My mate once shagged a girl who vengefully attempted to bite off his bell end because he said her new jeans made her look fat. He obviously knew nothing about women.

  My friend once fucked a girl who vengefully attempted to bite off his dick because he said her new jeans made her look fat. He obviously knew nothing about women.

  bender, n.

  queer, homo; British

  I have no problem with his being a bender, except when he tries to stick his goolies in my mouth.

  I have no problem with his being a homo, except when he tries to tea bag me.

  bestiality, n.

  sex with an animal or animals; American

  Hey, my dog isn’t into bestiality, so don’t get any ideas.

  Randal: You’re in the bestiality business. Sexy Stud: Hey fucko! We like to call it inter-species erotica.

  inter-species erotica.

  —Clerks II

  bevvied, adj.

  drunk; British

  We were going to go for a couple more after the game, but I was so bevvied that I puked on a few of my friends and the night was over for me—and them.

  We were going to go for a couple more after the game, but I was so drunk that I puked on a few of my friends and the night was over for me—and them.

  biddy, n.

  a cute girl; American

  I want to tap that biddy with the smoking ass.

  DERIVATION: Biddy is a surprisingly flattering derivation of the derogatory word bitch.